


I Can't Hold Back

by its_stucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Dirty Talk, Dom/sub Undertones, Explicit Sexual Content, If You Squint - Freeform, M/M, Masturbation, Masturbation Interruptus, Men Crying, Mostly Smut, Mutual Masturbation, Nipple Play, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Sexual Fantasy, Some Angst towards the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-15 22:24:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5802397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/its_stucky/pseuds/its_stucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Truth be told, Bucky could think of about a million reasons to love Steve, but as Bucky's flesh hand traced imaginary lines along his upper body, he was beginning thinking a little less romantically about his lover. He was more focused on thinking about Steve's body. His neck, his pecs, his ab muscles. How they look with water dripping off of them when Steve gets out of the shower...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Bucky woke up at what he presumed to be a little later than the crack of dawn. It had to be, he figured, because the spot next to him which usually contained the heaping lump that was Steve Rogers was empty. Still slightly warm, but empty. The only logical conclusion is that Steve had gone for his early morning run. How anyone could just leave a warm bed like this, Bucky didn't know. Especially to go outside and be physically active before the sun breaks up the darkness. Not even the birds are that foolish. He knows if it was him, he would have just pressed closer to the one he loved and fell back to sleep.

He desired to do that now, but truth be told, he has trouble sleeping when Steve is gone. To Bucky's credit, his ability to sleep through the night is far better than it used to be. He used to have trouble sleeping at all times, whether he was alone or had somebody next to him. The memories of his time with HYDRA would flash rapidly through his brain every time he closed his eyes. After months of therapy, the blood soaked and ice cold memories appeared less and less when Bucky closed his eyes. Now, he was starting to catch glimpses of before HYDRA. Before the war, even. Memories of him and Steve. Scrawny Steve Rogers, who never ran away from a fight. The one he would follow to the ends of the Earth. The memories were fleeting, like a spark of a flame trying desperately to grow, and he would try to hold on to as much of them as he could. He has taken to writing them down, now, almost like they were a dream.

For all Bucky knows, they might be.

Bucky thinks about Steve now. Not the Steve he knew then, but the Steve that lays beside him every night, and gets up before him every morning. He puts his right hand over the warm spot next to him, enjoying the feeling of Steve's residual body heat. He turned his head to smell Steve's pillow. The smell of Steve will never get old to Bucky. Clean, like cotton sheets. Sweet, like vanilla. Bucky smiled to himself.

His Steve, now and forever, till the end of the line. Impossibly strong, yet so tender in the moments that demand it. He felt something stir, low in his belly, at that word. Strong. Yes, that was Steve. Bucky thought of his hands, how good they feel on Bucky's body while they kiss. The heat was growing inside of Bucky and it almost got to be too much for him, right then and there. He kicked the blankets off towards the end of the bed and ran his flesh hand over his shirtless torso, letting the touches lightly ghost over his skin. Bucky has been living with Steve for close to a year now, and their relationship is progressing surely, although rather slowly. This is fine with Bucky. He supposes it should be fine with him, as it was his idea to take things slow. Going from having no autonomy whatsoever over his body and his mind to being in a place where he is given – and expected – to have complete control over those things has been overwhelming, to say the least, and he wants to go slow in their relationship to make sure that he is able to maintain that control. 

The most they have done so far, physically, is make out, and it took a long time for Bucky to decide he was ready for that step. Bucky also prefers if Steve's hands stay above his waist, at least for the time being, and Steve is kind enough to oblige him. They've also recently decided that it was okay for them each to be shirtless while they make out – it was mostly Bucky that was holding them up, but Steve was always so damn _understanding_. He was eager to move forward but he never pushed Bucky towards anything he was not ready for. Just one more reason to love him.

Truth be told, Bucky could think of about a million reasons to love Steve, but as Bucky's flesh hand traced imaginary lines along his upper body, he was beginning thinking a little less romantically about his lover. He was more focused on thinking about Steve's body. His neck, his pecs, his ab muscles. How they look with water dripping off of them when Steve gets out of the shower...

_Oh, god._

Bucky held in a groan at the image in his head. _Steve, a towel hanging low on his waist, walking out of a steamy shower. He would come up to Bucky, lust in his eyes, and plant a deep kiss on his lips. He would drop the towel and gently shove Bucky towards the bed. Bucky would look him in the eyes, pupils blown, lips parted. He wants to look down, take in Steve's entire body, but he holds back, keeps his eyes locked onto Steve's._

_“You can look, Buck. It's okay.” Steve would say, as if reading his mind._

_Bucky would flush, but then would slowly cast his eyes over Steve's body. God, _he would wonder, how did I get so lucky?__

Bucky pinches his right nipple, tugs on it a little bit. He bites his lip. He is fully hard in his sweatpants now, but he avoids paying too much attention to his erection just yet. Part of the reason that he and Steve have never gone much farther than this is because Bucky thinks it just feels so damn good when Steve plays with his nipples the way that Bucky is now, and that's often enough for him to feel satisfied, even if he doesn't achieve an orgasm. It's better when Steve does it, of course, because he can use his hand and his mouth at the same time.

Oh, and Steve's _mouth,_ Bucky thinks. The way his lips are always so red, more so after they've been kissing for awhile. Bucky has imagined many times what Steve's lips would look like wrapped around his cock, and how his beautiful blue eyes would look, peering up at him through his long lashes. Someday he'd really like to get to that point with Steve, and he is certain that they will. He knows that before he fell, they had been at that point. Many times, in fact. One day during his initial recovery, the memory came back to him; him, on his knees, before Steve, cock in his mouth. It was a fuzzy memory, and he wasn't sure he could trust it, but he asked Steve about it regardless. Steve had looked surprised, but he verified Bucky's memories.

Bucky rolls over onto his stomach, now, giving into the urge to provide his aching cock with friction. He sucks in a breath at the initial impact of the mattress with his still clothed erection. He shuffles his sweatpants down to his mid thighs, just enough to free his cock, then grips the sheets with both hands. He tries to control the movement of his hips, wants to go slow at first, draw it out. He thinks of Steve and how it would feel to be on top of him, straddling one of his muscular thighs between his legs. Steve could be kissing his neck, have his hands on Bucky's ass, controlling the speed that Bucky ruts against him. He would want Bucky to start slow, too, Bucky is sure. 

_“Does that feel good, Buck?” Steve would ask as he guides Bucky's thrusts against him._

_“Yeah,” he would moan and rest his forehead against Steve's. “Fuck, Stevie.”_

_“That's good, Buck. So good,” Steve would say._

_“I'm good, aren't I, Steve?” He would pant, tightening his legs around Steve's in an attempt to push down harder, a silent plea for Steve to let him increase his speed._

_“You're good. So good,” Steve would say, yielding to Bucky. “You're my good boy, Bucky.”_

Bucky was frantically humping the mattress now, short breaths coming in rapid succession, hands pulling at the sheets. He could feel sweat beginning to prickle his forehead. He was so close, _fuck_ , so close. 

Then he heard doorknob of their bedroom start to turn.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I have an idea, Bucky,” He said, lips swollen and hair slightly mussed up from where Bucky's hands were running through it.
> 
> “I get scared every time you say that.” Bucky said, smirking.
> 
> Steve chuckled, then said, “I swear, this is a good idea, Bucky. I mean, I think it is. I just hope you like it as much as I do.”
> 
> “Lay it on me,” Bucky challenged.
> 
> “What if I told you that I wanted to see you finish what I walked into earlier?”

Bucky immediately scrambled to pull the blankets over him, but they were down at the foot of the bed and his movement was restricted by the position of his sweatpants around his thighs. He couldn't move fast enough to cover up before he heard the door creak open. He knew that Steve saw was he was doing, and, naturally, a part of Bucky felt embarrassed. Bucky had no time to gauge how Steve felt, however, because he was already turning to leave the room.

“Steve, I'm -” Bucky started to say, but Steve had already shut the door.

“Damn it.” Bucky said. He debated finishing, but his cock was already starting to soften, so he decided against it. Sighing, he readjusted his pants back to their normal position, and stood up to clean himself off. Bucky walked to the bathroom adjacent to their bedroom to wet a washcloth, when he heard a knock on the bedroom door. Part of him wanted to laugh, because _seriously, Steve? It's your damn bedroom, too._

“Buck, are you... are you decent?”

Bucky did laugh at that. “Yes, Steve, I'm 'decent'.”

Steve opened the door and looked around for Bucky. His face was slightly red, and Bucky couldn't determine if it was because of the physical exertion of his morning run, or if it was a result of him being embarrassed about walking in on Bucky.

“In here,” Bucky said, throwing the washcloth into the small laundry basket they keep in the bathroom.

Steve followed his voice and turned to him. “I wasn't sure if you were going to be...” He waved his hand through the air, and his face turned a darker shade of red. So it wasn't the exercise. Bucky should have known better than that by now.

“No, I think I'm done with that for awhile.” Bucky brushed past Steve and looked at the sheets. “Fuck,” He mumbled as he began throwing the pillows off the bed.

“I'm sorry, Buck. I didn't mean to walk in on you. I thought you'd still be sleeping.”

“It's okay, not a big deal, Steve. Can we just not talk about it?” Bucky was initially a bit embarrassed, but he had already gotten over the incident. However, he could feel Steve's unwavering gaze upon him as he stripped the bed of the soiled sheets, and that made him feel a little uneasy.

“I think we should.” Steve replied.

“Why? It's really not a big deal.”

“I just... I didn't know you did that.”

Bucky turned to look at Steve, then, leaving the sheets in a pile on the bed. “Of course I do, Steve. I'm human, aren't I? I don't do it often, but I guess the mood just hit me, and you weren't here, so I couldn't, y'know... God, can we drop this?”

“Couldn't what?” Steve asked.

Bucky narrowed his eyes in Steve's direction. His demeanor was stoic, and Bucky found it unsettling. Usually, he can read Steve – or anybody - like a book. It's quite easy for him to see the subtle indicators of thoughts and emotions written all over their faces. But Steve knows this about Bucky, probably better than anybody, and Bucky assumed he was taking preventative measures to keep him from knowing what was on his mind by simply showing nothing at all. The thought of that made Bucky nervous, so he worded his response with caution.

“I couldn't... ask you if you wanted to.”

“Ask me if I wanted to what?” His voice was hard, and Bucky's nervousness was increasing, but he swallowed it down.

“Jesus, Steve. You aren't that dense, are you?” He thought that the dig at his intelligence would lighten the mood a little bit, but when Steve gave no indication of responding, he sighed and said, “If you were here, I would've asked you to mess around, like we always do. But you weren't, so I did what I had to do. Well, I tried.”

“Were you thinking about me?” Steve asked, his voice much softer now. Quieter, too. His eyes seemed to darken, a telltale sign that he was becoming aroused. Bucky smiled, because no matter how good Steve was at controlling his facial expressions, he had no control over the dilation of his pupils.

“Maybe,” Bucky replied, all of the nervousness he was feeling before melting away. He quirked an eyebrow at Steve. “Would you like it if I was?”

Steve quickly closed the gap between them and put his hands around Bucky's waist. He considered teasing Bucky with his response, but ultimately decided to put his arousal at the forefront. He wanted Bucky to know how bad he wanted him.

“Yeah, I'd like that, Buck,” He brought his lips to Bucky's neck and began to plant dry kisses up and down it. Bucky felt the heat rising in him again when he felt Steve's erection growing between them. He turned his head to the side to give Steve better access to his neck.

“Well, you know how I love to do what you like,” Bucky responded.

“I know that very well,” Steve said in between kisses. Bucky turned his head back to the front and reached up to grab Steve's chin with his flesh hand. He liked to keep his metal hand as uninvolved as he could. Steve didn't seem to mind it, of course, but to be frank, the arm disgusted Bucky; it was a constant and tangible reminder of the weapon that HYDRA turned him into. As far as he was concerned, that had no place in his interactions with Steve. He pushed those thoughts out of his head as he pulled Steve's face toward his, and kissed him. Steve let him, but pulled away before Bucky could deepen the kiss.

“I have an idea, Bucky,” He said, lips swollen and hair slightly mussed up from where Bucky's hands were running through it.

“I get scared every time you say that.” Bucky said, smirking.

Steve chuckled, then said, “I swear, this is a good idea, Bucky. I mean, I think it is. I just hope you like it as much as I do.”

“Lay it on me,” Bucky challenged.

“What if I told you that I wanted to see you finish what I walked into earlier?”

Bucky blinked in an attempt to process what Steve was suggesting. “You... want to see that?”

“Yeah. I mean, if you want to try it. If you don't, it's okay, we don't-” 

Bucky cut him off. “No. I just... I wasn't expecting that. At all.”

They stood in silence for a minute, as the gears turned in Bucky's head. “Why do you want to see that? What... what would you do?”

Steve swallowed. “I just wanna see what you like, Buck. And, um, I would watch you. I could ask you what you're thinking about. Is this the worst idea I've ever had? I swear, it sounded better in my head.” He looked at his feet.

“No, Steve, it's...” Bucky paused. What was this idea? Bucky doesn't know what to classify it as, but when he looked at Steve he could see hope in his eyes, and he didn't want to be the reason that hope went away.

“Let's do it.” He said, finally.

“Really?” Steve smiled.

“Yeah, why not? I mean, ya already walked in on me. Might as well give you a front row seat.” Bucky grabbed the pile of sheets off the bed. “Could you grab a towel from the bathroom and put it on the bed? I'm going to put these in the wash.”

“Of course,” Steve replied, and as he walked to the bathroom Bucky swear he saw a spring in his step.

He mentally added that to the list of reasons he loves His Steve.

Bucky started the washer with the sheets in it and walked back into the bedroom. Steve was sitting near the bed in a chair that he pulled away from his art table, and a towel was folded neatly over the mattress. He even put the pillows back on the bed. Steve looked at Bucky and gave him a small, closed mouth smile. Bucky could tell he was a little bit nervous from the way he was fidgeting on the chair.

“How ya doin', Stevie?” Bucky asked, as he crawled onto the bed. He laid on his side, keeping himself propped up on his elbow.

“Fine,” He said, then thought for a minute. “Was that a pickup line, or are you really asking me?”

“I'm really asking you, jerk. How do you feel?” Bucky said, playful tone evident in his voice.

“Oh. I'm good, I just. I know this was my idea, but I don't know how to start without it being weird.”

Bucky laid on his back, head low on the pillows. “You wanted to know what I was thinking about, right?”

Steve nodded.

“Ask me.”

“Okay. When I walked in on you earlier, what were you thinking about, Buck?”

“Well,” Bucky started, lowering his voice to hopefully sound more seductive. “I was thinking about you, Steve. And how warm your side of the bed was. And how you smell.”

Steve furrowed his eyebrows. “How I smell?”

“Yeah, Steve. How you smell.” Bucky leaned his head over to Steve's pillow, as he did earlier that morning, and took a deep breath. “You have a real good smell, Steve. It's not artificial, it's natural. Always had a smell like this, I think. Like cotton with a hint of vanilla. God, I could get drunk on that smell.” Bucky closed his eyes and began to run his right hand up and down his torso. Goosebumps were rising on his skin, and he felt himself begin to get aroused. He heard Steve as he shifted in his seat and cleared his throat.

“What else did you think about?” He asked.

“After that, it just flowed, Steve. I was thinking about you, all of you. Your mouth, especially. How it's always so damn red, like you've been kissing someone for hours. I'd prefer if it was me, but, y'know, maybe you're not the only one who would like to watch things.” He glanced over at Steve and was pleased to see the beginnings of an erection in Steve's exercise pants. He looked up at his face and smiled. “What do you think of that?”

“Jesus, Buck, I-”

“Watch your mouth, Steve,” Bucky retorted.

“Sorry. I think that's... not off the table,” Steve said.

“Good, although I can't say I wouldn't feel a little bit jealous. I love the things your mouth does, Stevie. I love it when you put your mouth on my nipple and work the other one with your hand. Like I'm doing now. Minus the mouth, of course,” Bucky said, pinching his nipple and giving it a rough twist to emphasize his words.

“I love doing that too, Buck. You're so sensitive there, so-” Steve sounded breathless, and he was reaching his hand down and palming at his cock over his shorts. He was not taking his eyes off of Bucky. “So responsive.”

“I'm glad you like it. Someday, if you wanted, I'd like to give it a try for you. Playing with your nipples, that is. I wonder if they're as sensitive as mine.”

“I don't think anyone's are as sensitive as yours, Bucky,” Steve replied.

“We won't know that until we try, ain't that right? Unless you do know, Steve. I would have a hard time believing you've never touched 'em. Just to see what it felt like. Especially after seeing how much it drives me crazy. Tell me, Steve, you ever done that?”

Steve grunted and moved his hand under his shorts, now. “God, yeah, Bucky. I've done that. I liked it a lot. It would have been better if you were doing it, though.”

Bucky groaned at the image in his head of Steve, laying in the bed they share, playing with his nipples and wishing it was Bucky, there, doing it to him.

“That's real good, Steve. Do you know what else I wanna do?” Bucky asked, lifting his ass in the air to pull his sweatpants off and toss them onto the floor.

“What's that?” Steve's voice sounded a little bit strained now, and Bucky loved it. He moaned a little at the sound.

“I wanna be on top of you, Steve. I love the feeling of your body under me, and your thigh rubbing against my cock. Feels so fucking good. I was thinking earlier, and next time we do that, I want you to. To guide me through it. I want you to set the pace for me, Steve.”

“Oh, Bucky,” Steve groaned.

At this point, Bucky rolled onto his stomach and began to thrust against the mattress. He was surprised at how quickly a feeling of vulnerability took over him the second he made that move. He could just roll onto his back again and jerk himself off, but he figured he would feel vulnerable just the same, and it wasn't worth raising any questions from Steve. He was just going to try to keep himself focused on the act at hand. “But I want you to keep me from going too fast at first, Steve. 'Cause when I'm doing that to you, I wanna go fast. I want, no, I need you to slow me down. Hold onto my hips, my ass, I don't care. That's what I want. I wanna go slow, like how I'm goin' now.”

Steve pulled down his exercise shorts and kicked them away from his feet. He began to stroke his cock and on the upstroke, he would circle his thumb around the head. He was staring at Bucky with a hunger that Bucky can't recall ever seeing from him before now. All Bucky could think to compare it to was the look of a predator who had his eye on Bucky to be his next meal.

“Then, I want you to kiss my neck and pull me against you faster, and harder. 'Cause I love it when you're gentle, but I think I'd love it if you got rough with me, too. I wanna hear you say you're gonna make me come on you, all over your leg, and I want you to mean it, Steve.”

Bucky took a deep breath before he continued. “And, oh, Steve, my favorite part, the part I want the most... I wanna hear you tell me that I'm-” Bucky's voice hitched and he quickly turned his face away from Steve's gaze. _Fuck,_ he thought. He was suddenly uncertain if he wanted to say the next part. _What would Steve think of him?_

“Buck, are you okay?” Bucky wasn't looking at his face so he couldn't read his expression, but his voice sounded concerned.

Bucky swallowed and blinked before he looked up at Steve, brushing a strand of hair out of his eyes. “Yeah, I... Steve, I just want you to tell me if... if I'm good. I wanna know if I'm doin' a good job. For you. Is that... oh, God, Steve.” The vulnerable feelings he was experiencing were coming to a head as he got closer to orgasm. He was pushing his erection against the bed faster and harder than before, and he and Steve both knew how close he was to coming. “Steve, I...”

Steve was approaching the edge as well. He was thrusting his steadily leaking cock up into his fist as he jerked himself off, his movements becoming shorter, and more erratic. “It's okay, Buck. I'll tell you how good you are.”

“Do it, Steve,” he said, voice quiet and shaky.

Steve complied without a second thought. “You're so good, Bucky. You're always so good for me.”

Bucky made a choked off noise and looked back down at the mattress. “Do you mean that?”

“Of course I mean that.”

“Steve, fuck, please... I'm...” His voice cracked.

“Are you gonna come, Buck?”

Bucky nodded, eyes still downcast.

“Look at me, I wanna see your face when you do. Don't close your eyes.”

Bucky's shoulders were shaking and he felt tears pricking behind his eyes. He didn't want to, but he looked up at Steve. He stared him in the eyes as he gripped the sheets and thrust twice more against the towel on the mattress, and that's all it took. His face contorted as he came, but he managed to keep his eyes on Steve's, even though he felt the tears getting dangerously close to falling. Bucky continued to watch as Steve's body tensed up and with a few more jerks of his cock, his climax came shortly after Bucky's. If he wasn't feeling so distraught, he would have taken longer to watch. But he had to look away, or risk Steve seeing him start to cry.

Bucky heard Steve lean backwards in the chair, and he listened to his breathing as it evened out again. Bucky was attempting to keep himself silent, however, because any sound he would make at the moment would be a dead giveaway that he was crying.

Apparently, to his dismay, complete silence was also a dead giveaway that something wasn't right.

“Bucky, are you okay?” Steve asked.

Bucky didn't answer, he just hung his head lower. He heard the creaking as Steve got off the chair, and the thump of his knees as he knelt down in front where Bucky was laying on the bed. He felt Steve put his hand under Bucky's chin, and his gut reaction told him to pull away, but before he could Steve lifted his head up so he had no choice but to look him in the eyes.

“Oh, Buck, what's wrong?” He brought his hand out from under his chin and wiped the tears from Bucky's cheeks.

Bucky sat up and positioned himself to lean against the headboard. “I don't... I don't know, Steve.”

“Are you upset?” Steve slid onto the bed next to Bucky.

Bucky bit his lip as more tears flooded to his eyes. “No. I guess everything just hit me at once. Hearing you actually say that... what I wanted you to say. About me being good. It got to me more than I thought it would. I thought it would just be sexy, but I guess it means more than I realized.” He whimpered and fresh tears fell onto his cheeks again.

Steve nodded, and put his arm around Bucky's shoulders to pull him close. “Well, it's true, Bucky. You are good.”

Bucky leaned his head onto Steve's shoulder. “I don't know if I agree. I don't know if I'll ever be able to agree, Steve.”

“It's a slow journey, and a long one, Buck, but I promise it's possible to feel like you are good again. And if I have to tell you that every day, I will.”

Bucky buried his head into Steve's neck and made a noise that could only be described as a whine. Steve began stroking his hair.

They sat in the silence for awhile, Steve just stroking Bucky's hair, Bucky resting against Steve's body. He was practically in his lap, almost asleep, when Steve decided to speak.

“Hey, Buck?”

“Mmm?” Bucky answered.

“What do you say we go take a shower, then continue with the cuddling?”

Bucky lifted his head up, and stretched his arms out. He took a look down at himself, then at Steve, and nodded.

“After you, Stevie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the length of this chapter being extremely disproportionate in length to the last chapter. I actually don't know if that's a thing that bothers anybody else, but I notice it, at least in my own writing. Oh well. I apologize if that bothers anyone, but hey, it's smutty, so it should be okay, right? :P
> 
> I would also like to thank anybody who has read the first chapter so far, bookmarked it, and left kudos, and anybody who will on this chapter as well. It means the world to me, seriously. Anyways, I hope you enjoy my first attempt at smut, because even though I was nervous, I really enjoyed writing it. Feel free to leave any comments or criticism in the comments, I welcome it all.
> 
> Also, if you feel so inclined, you can check out my tumblr (its-stucky.tumblr.com) if you wanna see more Stucky/Marvel goodness!
> 
> Disclaimer: None of these characters or organizations mentioned belong to me. Title of this story is from a song called "I Can't Hold Back" by Survivor.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everyone! So, this is my first attempt at writing anything remotely smutty EVER, (actually, it's my first serious fandom thing I've ever written and FINISHED!) and I'm kind of nervous about posting it, but I hope you like it. If you have any comments or constructive criticism I would love to hear it and I will do my best to get back to everyone. Chapter 2 is coming soon, and it will certainly be longer and smuttier. Thank you for reading!
> 
> Also, feel free to check out my tumblr (its-stucky.tumblr.com) if you wanna see more Stucky/Marvel goodness!
> 
> Disclaimer: None of these characters or organizations mentioned belong to me. Title of this story is from a song called "I Can't Hold Back" by Survivor.


End file.
